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A Time For Rest

I am finding that rest is what I need right now. I have spent so much of my time working at my day job, visiting with family, and going to concerts with my partner that my art has taken the back seat. This has not been on purpose of course. The pandemic has just been less scary in the last few months with the cases in many states in the US being low right now. So finally, I can visit family safely and live music in person is at the center stage again. My partner is a brilliant musician and as such we must see the live music to learn and experience. One of the biggest connections in our relationship has been music. We have been to more than a hundred concerts together over the last 7 years.

I am trying to be easy on myself since I have left social media. I have been feeling much more free from "social internet culture" , you know the grind of scrolling , posting, commenting, liking, and so on. When I returned to social media after a year of being away, I fell into the same emotions after just 2 months of being back online. While being back online I put up alot of rules for myself that I quickly broke. For example, I made a public instagram reel stating that I was going to post videos in my studio of me working .They of course quickly stopped after life jumped into the frame. I had to move studios. I lost steam about posting quickly because, it took the passion out of my time in the studio. It became WORK quickly. The problem I have with social media culture and most internet culture is that it is all "content" based and algorithms control who views the "content". While being apart of that culture it becomes more about likes, views, and popularity. I have been to high school before and I don't want to go back.

Fast forward to today May 6th, 2022 , it is raining outside and I am in my pj's sitting here writing this to you. I am finding space for myself and recalculating this dream that I have had since I was a child of 8 and 1/2 years old and what it meant to me. What that dream meant for me was comfort and effortlessness. That comfort and effortlessness produces honesty in my art. I feel that over the years the exposure of culture through various forms of media have shaped my work into something that is not quite me. I am looking for myself still and without the lens of social media I hope I can find myself. Having spent many years with many of my art school professor's voices in my mind telling me to find my style. Here I am at almost 30 years old still searching for my "style" . I found envy on social media platforms because of all of the Artists that have clearly found their "style". Now, I know that wasn't healthy or kind. I am aware of this. I am also, a women who grew up with the Television, and internet was in my home by age 6 or 7. I also, started using social media daily starting at age 12.

What I am getting to is, I have been under the influence of this "social" web, one where advertising is at the forefront since I was very young. I wonder who I would be without all of that information clogging up my psyche. Now, I am in a place where I want to unlearn and learn. The exploration of mediums is the only way I know myself these days. I have always wanted to be better than the day before in my art. Much of my thoughts are that I may never find my "style" , because I find the intoxication of trying out new mediums is too appealing. I am always chasing that new sensation. So for now, I am going to rest and enjoy the mental freedom. These days I sing with my partner to improvational music he creates in real time. I am exploring who I could be and am hopeful to find who I am through my explorations. In the process of improvisational art, I am finding facets and characters I store inside.

I hope my 8 and 1/2 year old self would be proud that I haven't given up my dream.

So for now, I must sing, paint, craft wood art, and use every medium available to me to create and express all that I have been holding. I must until I am satisfied and I don't know if I ever will be.

For those that have stumbled upon my blog thank you for your time and attention that is so special. You could be anywhere doing anything and you took the time to read my blog. Thank you.


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